Through An Autumn
by CNJ
Summary: Finally...the true story of the era immediately following Beverly's becoming widowed. Here is her courageous struggle to move on from Jack's death and raise her son Wesley alone. Chapter 7 uploaded...more to come later...enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

I see loads of fanfics on Beverly having a romance with Jean Luc, but rarely see any fanfics on how she on her own really dealt with her beloved husband Jack's death, so I decided to add one here…

Just a disclaimer adding that the characters are not mine and the storyline of Jack's death is not mine; if it were, I'd be rich.

Also, a side note that I've dallied with the idea of the United States changing into separate regions in four hundred years, so none of you are startled by the new country names here.

But I've always been fascinated with Beverly's interesting storyline, just Beverly on her own after Jack, no "love triangle," no having her jump into another guys' arms too fast, so here's mine…

**Through An Autumn**

_By_: CNJ

_PG-13_

**1**

**Beverly****:**

I woke up before dawn that second Saturday in November, but that's not unusual. I am an early riser by nature, a "morning lark" as my grandmother, Nana always told me. My husband, Jack jokes that I was probably a rooster in another life.

So was another morning for me as I opened my dark blue eyes and turned on my bedside lamp, filling the dark room with a soft bluish glow. It was around five.

I sat up and read for a while, then climbed out of bed and got dressed. I knew my five-year-old son, Wesley, would be asleep for another hour or two.

Jack is now on an away mission which is almost over. I hope he'll be able to be back in time for Thanksgiving, an Earth holiday primarily celebrated in the North American provinces of New England, Midatlantia, and The Midprairie States of America, MSA for short. It's in two weeks.

Nana, my friend Claire, my sister, Enid, Jack's mother, Wendy, and several others will be there. Jack's hoping he can have his shipmate and friend, Jean Luc Picard over also.

Sitting at my desk and organizing patient files at the terminal, I listened to the wind outside. It reminded me of so many November nights back on Caldos.

I'm a doctor at Starfleet and work here on Earth at a small hospital not too far from our home, which is not too far north of New York City in New England.

It was becoming light with a bluish-gray dawn when I closed down the terminal and headed into the kitchen to make myself some tea. The trees, which had been a kaleidoscope of all kinds of colors two weeks ago, are now fading and most of the leaves are gone.

I was almost finished my tea when I heard a soft patter of socked feet making their way to the kitchen. By now the sky was light and the sun was getting ready to rise. It looked like it was going to be a clear, cold, but lovely day.

"Mommy…" Wesley's voice called.

"In here, darling," I called back.

My son tottered into the kitchen and into my arms.

"Good morning, sweetheart…sleep well?" I kissed my son's dark brown, soft hair and lifted him onto my lap.

He nodded, still a bit sleepy. His rather rumpled jeans, mismatched socks, and his favorite green shirt on backward brought a soft smile to my face

"It's Saturday…no school for me…no work for you…" Wes chirped.

"That's right..." I put him down and ruffled his hair. "Hungry for breakfast?"

"Yes…can we have orange rolls?"

"Sure…if you promise to have milk and wheat toast with it."

My dear, dear son…a sharp boy, so sweet also. Nana says that in many ways, he is a lot like I was at that age, only I was a bit quieter. Nana tells me that I often was like a little adult even at age five.

When I look at him, I do see some of my mannerisms and that he has my large nose and large eyes. I've even noticed that his brows rise slightly when he's curious or questioning like my brows do.

He also has brown hair and dark green eyes like Jack's while I have straight red hair and dark blue eyes, so I guess he's an even mix of both of us. I feel very fortunate…my sweet son, my wonderful, loving husband, a career as a doctor that I love, to name a few things.

* * *

**Jack****:**

My feet hit the ground as Captain Jean Luc Picard and I rounded up the second set of Alleys, the holodeck game we often played on Saturdays. We were off duty for now and nothing unusual was happening on the Stargazer, so Jean Luc and I fit a few rounds in.

"Got this one!" I crowed with a laugh.

"You win this time," Jean Luc laughed ruefully as we lowered our helmets and sat down to catch our breaths and let the sweat dry.

Much as I've enjoyed this mission, I'm glad it's almost over. I miss my wife and son and hope to be home in time for Thanksgiving.

"Beverly tells me that Wesley is learning to read very quickly," I told Jean Luc.

"Wesley…?" Jean Luc looked puzzled a minute and I remembered that although he has met Beverly, he has never met Wesley.

"Our son…he started kindergarten this year…so much of his mother in him." I smiled softly at the memory of his sweet, small face. Sometimes it's bubbly and cheerful; other times, it's so serious like his mom's.

"Opposites attracting…" Jean Luc leaned back. "We're…you're outgoing and bubbly and talkative and Beverly always struck me as so quiet…reserved."

"True…one of the main things that attracted me to her is her heart…it's made of pure gold."

Softly sighing, Jean Luc ran his hand thru his light brown thin hair. "Wasn't it somebody named Walter or other that introduced you two?"

"Walker Keel…" I supplied. "We actually were introduced in an unusual way…we did this house exchange for one winter holiday…Beverly came to Earth where I'd been living and I headed to Delos where she was living…turned out that Walker had recently moved down the street from Beverly and I met him then. Beverly had met him briefly before she left.

"He and I also met and he told me a little about Beverly. Beverly's sister, Enid then came to town the day before Beverly came back right before Hanukkah started…Enid and Walker knocked on my door and Enid had actually forgotten that Beverly had gone out of town and I was there.

"When Beverly returned, she invited me to stay for a while longer and we had a Hanukkah gathering and Walker formally introduced us." I smiled softly as I remembered that holiday and seeing Beverly's serious, lovely face for the first time.

Jean Luc nodded. Just then the comm on the wall chirped. "Incoming message for Captain Picard…"

The comm's awakening call snapped Jean Luc and me from lounging to duty mode and Jean Luc went over. "Picard here…"

"We've arrived at the gas planet…the ship is slowing rapidly," Lieutenant Grevan told us.

"I'm on my way," Jean Luc responded. We'd arrived sooner than expected.

* * *

**Beverly****:**

"So little Marcy is growing fast…she's already crawling all over," my friend Claire Voy updated me after breakfast over the transmission.

Claire lives on Yula Three and we see each other every so often. She's a doctor like me, only she's not in Starfleet.

She was my roommate at the Academy for our first year there, but she left after the first year and went to another medical school. She had a baby girl in May, so she's very excited about motherhood…just as I was when I first had Wesley. Sometimes I still am excited about being a mom five years later.

Claire is still today one of my closest friends and sometimes joins our group…Enid, Jack, and I whenever we get together. Sometimes Jean Luc joins us also, so it's about five of us when we're all together.

And once in a great while, two older friends of ours, Tryla Scott and Walker sometimes join us, making our total number seven. All of us have busy schedules, however, so often, it's just some of us.

"Mom…is it Aunt Claire?" Wesley asked from the other room where he was occupied with his electro-magnetic set.

"Yes, dear…" I told him.

"Hello, Wesley…" Claire called.

"Wes…do you want to say hello to Claire?" I called back.

"Sure…" Wesley darted over and waved to Claire. "Hiii, Claire!"

"Hi, Wesley," Claire smiled at my son. "How's kindergarten?"

"Good…I like my teacher, Ms. Levin and I have this friend named Todd Harriman. His mommy's in Starfleet like my mommy and dad…and I'm also learning big words to read."

"That's great." Claire adores my son and Wes sees her as an aunt. They chatted a little longer, and then Claire and I did some more catching up. I told her how much Wesley and I were looking forward to Jack's return.

After Claire and I disconnected, I sat for a little while, thinking about away missions…in the past fifty or so years, most large starships now allow entire families on board, which makes things easier, especially for long missions.

Jack and I have toyed with the idea of taking on one of the larger starships and taking positions on board so we could be together and have Wes with us. But for right now, my career here is going well and Jack and I decided that Wes would start school here on Earth and Jack would take short missions on smaller ships like the Stargazer, so he could be home most of the time.

This past year Wes has liked playing with toy starships and asked if one day, we could all go "to the stars." So last summer, before Jack left for the Stargazer, we discussed the possibility of taking on the longer missions when Wesley grew older. I've told Jack that I'd be willing to take a position on a starship then as medical officer while Jack would continue and extend his science officer career.

The way Starfleet has progressed in recent years, it looks like this is a real possibility and good opportunity for all of us.

_A/N_: More to come; Jack's death and Beverly getting the news is in the next chapter hope you all enjoyed this beginning; don't hesitate to review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Through An Autumn**

_By_: CNJ

_PG-13_

**2**

**Beverly****:**

It was after lunch when Wesley and I headed outside for some air. The little boy next door, Ben, joined us and I raked together a pile of leftover leaves for the boys to play in. I sat at the edge, catching a brown leaf here and there.

It was so clear and rather windy…the sky was a somewhat dark blue, the way it often is in the late autumn. Back on Caldos, it often snowed by mid-November.

Watching my son play often brings back memories of what life was like when I was that age…I'd been afraid of so much. I remember things here and there, more when I got older…trying not to cry on my first day of kindergarten…swallowing an old Scottish coin in first grade, being frightened and Nana telling me not to worry, that it would come out…at the other end of me.

I used to wonder why my younger sister, Enid seemed braver than me and more outgoing. Nana always reassured me that it was just differing personalities, that I was just sensitive and that often it's a gift itself. I see it as a mixed blessing today.

Maybe that's part of why I'd wanted to be a doctor since I was twelve…I've always wanted to work on wiping out needless disease and the suffering it causes. Enid is a lawyer; she's always had a knack for debating complex issues.

I have no memory of my natural father, but I do have clear recollections of my mother…my own parents never married one another and it's a good thing they didn't because it would have been a disaster. I never did meet my biological dad, David Haley. He died when I was nine.

My mother raised Enid and me at first, but she traveled often as an ambassador for the Federation and often left Enid and me with Nana. She died when I was eleven averting a Romulan attempt to annex several Vulcan colonies.

I did have a stepdad, Paul, for a while, who was Enid's biological dad, but he died when I was seven and Enid was four. Because David never claimed me, I remained with the surname Howard.

Nana finished raising both Enid and me until I left for the Academy. Enid left Nana's when she was sixteen and although she did not join Starfleet, she did unofficially become my roommate at the Academy and I saw her through the last three of her teen years.

* * *

**Jack****:**

Jean Luc and I rushed onto the bridge and saw the gas planet. Before anyone could say anything, a rush of light from the planet engulfed the screen and the ship, shaking its foundations.

"Go to yellow alert!" Jean Luc ordered as he sat. "Engage warp…"

"No response…" Lieutenant Peter Joseph reported. "Engines are down…no warp available…"

Peter and I attempted the manual backup to no avail. The ship's functions had been blown offline and out of commission by the explosion.

"Lieutenant Amy Girsh to the bridge…" the comm came in from engineering.

"Picard here…go ahead…"

"It looks as if the ships hull has energy building up in here…it could endanger the ship."

"The nacelles…" I remembered out loud. If energy was building up in engineering, we'd need to detach the nacelles.

"Lieutenant Crusher…?" Jean Luc peered over at me.

"We need to detach the nacelles…" I explained. "As long as this anomaly affects the energy levels, the nacelles can become time bombs…we need to detach them quickly…I'll go…"

Jean Luc finally assigned Peter Joseph and me to head to the outer rim of the ship to detach the now-dangerous nacelles with phasers.

"Good luck…" Jean Luc bid both of us as Peter and I headed off the bridge. Peter and I would head into the closed off section that the nacelles were attached to and fire our phasers on it until they detached, then we'd quickly exit to avoid being exposed to airless space.

* * *

**Jean Luc****:**

The ship rocked as the anomaly grew. The time seemed endless as we all waited for any news on Jack and Peter. Then suddenly there was an enormous booming, the ship rocked again, and several of us were thrown aside and out of our seats.

I rose and decided to head to the nacelles to see what was going on. As I neared the closed-off area, I saw wisps of smoke. The nacelles have exploded! I thought.

I tugged the door open to smoke and chaos. At first, I didn't see either of them, but saw the gap that indicated that the last nacelle was being cut free. That's when I saw Jack under the spoke of it, still firing shakily with his phaser.

"What…happened…?" I gasped.

"It's exploding…" Jack whispered. "Jean Luc…leave…get Joseph out…"

I saw Lieutenant Joseph then in a heap on the floor. Racing over, I felt his shoulder and could feel him still breathing. I tried shaking him, but no avail.

"Jean Luc…get Joseph out…" Jack called again as another explosion rocked the ship. Jack fell over backward in a heap. "Leave…get yourself and Joseph out…"

Behind me, the door was rapidly closing. How I wished I could grab both of them! Joseph, pale and limp, lay in my arms like a wet towel while Jack struggled with the phaser, his face equally pale and terrified.

"Jack!" I called, feeling weak and shaky.

"Go!" Jack's green eyes were wide with a mix of urgency and terror. I knew I'd never forget that look…I'd also never be able to describe it to Beverly or Wendy later. "Don't try to take me…take Joseph…and go…" Jack waved one arm desperately, his face a mask of fear.

I was myself nearly overcome with terror, but somehow robotically moved backward and pulled Lieutenant Joseph through the closing door and we both tumbled back into the ship's interior just as the door banged shut. A split second later, a crash rocked the ship again. This sound I knew was the death of Jack Crusher.

* * *

**Beverly****:**

It was an hour or so after Ben had gone back home and Wesley and I had come back in when I saw the subspace message panel blinking.

Sitting down and opening it, I was a little surprised to see that it was from Starfleet and that it was from a starbase near the Stargazer's domain.

"Dr. Beverly Crusher?" Admiral Adrienne Miral's voice came on. She looked so grave that my heart began to pound and my hands started to shake.

"This is she…" I whispered. I could feel my brows knot up in worry without my knowing why.

"I am afraid I have some very bad news…" She paused. "There was a tragic accident on board the Stargazer…your husband Jack was involved…I am very afraid to report that he died in an explosion of the ship's nacelles while attempting to detach them due to an anomaly…the Stargazer and its crew will be returning to Earth tomorrow morning. I offer my deepest condolences…"

My lips went completely numb. "Jack…Jack…Jack…oh, Jack!" I wailed even after the communication ended. "No! God! Please, don't let this…" But my own shaking and the painful constriction in my stomach told me to accept this dreadful news.

"Mommy…" My son, Jack's son, whimpered from the doorway. "What's the matter?"

Tears welled in my eyes and I ran over to my son, bent down and hugged him close. "It's Daddy…he's gone!" I wept.

"You mean he…died?" Wesley's wails joined mine and so did his tears.

"I'm afraid so, darling…" I sobbed. Wendy! I remembered in alarm...surely, Jack's mother, if she'd gotten the news, is in as much, if not more pain than me.

Wes and I cried in each others' arms for a long minute, then afraid to let go of my son, I kept one arm around him and used the other to contact Wendy. The tears streaked on her gentle, plump face told me that she had gotten the terrible news about her beloved son and was coming over within the hour.

Oh, Jack! I mentally screamed. I can't believe you're gone! Dead! With this incredible news, I knew that not only Wesley's and my lives had just changed drastically, but also the lives of several others in ways that none of us could begin to imagine.

More later!


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N_: Hiii, thanks for the reviews I've gotten so far; I appreciate it! In this chapter, there is the scene where Beverly goes to identify Jack's body and that specific scene is borrowed from the fifth season episode _Violations_, so just want everyone to know that no copyright infringement is intended there.

Meanwhile, keep up the reviews and continue enjoying this story!

**Through An Autumn**

_By_: CNJ

_PG-13_

**3**

**Wendy****:**

Beverly clung to me tightly as if I were a life preserver as we both wept inconsolably that night. Our keening sobs nearly matched the keens of the wind outside.

I'd arrived a while ago, but now it seemed like days since I'd come over and found Beverly and her son Wesley weeping in each others' arms.

Wesley and I had managed to eat a little bit of dinner, but Beverly just could not eat or even drink. Periodically, she'd clutch her stomach as if she were in physical pain.

"J-Jack's…" Beverly's breath caught as she leaned back, her brows tight with grief, her face a gray-pale. "…Our last words as we p-parted…a g-group of us…Jack…C-Claire…Enid….me…Jean Luc…had gone out…to eat…our last night together…"

I nodded, holding her shaking hand. Beverly ran a hand through her now rather matted straight red hair and toyed nervously with her bangs as if trying to stop her other hand from shaking.

"W-we…have to see how the rest of the crew is holding up…oh, J-Jean Luc!" Beverly wailed as she began a fresh wave of crying. I just held her for a long time.

"The crew will be bringing his body back…" I told her softly. "We may have to identify it…" A fresh ripple of pain shot through me at the thought of seeing my lively, bubbly son so still.

* * *

**Beverly****:**

The realization that it was time to start planning Jack's funeral brought fresh pains to my already aching stomach. Starfleet had informed me that by tomorrow morning, his body would be brought back to the Starbase closest to Earth and that Jack…oh, it was horrible to think of him as just _the body_…would be back on Earth by tomorrow afternoon for the funeral.

Later that night, I was lying on the living room couch with Wendy holding my hand when I heard my door chime, sounding strangely distant.

I guess Wendy must have let her in because the next thing I knew, Nana was leaning over me.

"Darling…."she whispered, taking a hold of my hand in her warm one. "Oh, dear, I am so sorry about Jack…"

The sight of her caring face framed by her shoulder-length salt and pepper hair brought a fresh wave of crying over me and I sat up and slumped into her warm, warm nurturing arms.

"Oh, N-Nana…" I wept. I could hear Wendy's tears again also and knew that Nana was holding her also.

Nana was our solid rock on this eerie, windy, mournful evening. She made us tea and went in to check on Wesley. She held Wendy and me when either of us broke down in tears.

She also was a great help in starting the funeral arrangements. Neither my family nor Jack's family are active in any synagogue today, but both of our families do observe many of the Jewish traditions and customs.

One of the first orders of business in a death is that the dead are buried very soon, so Nana made sure that Starfleet would hold the funeral in two days. By then, Enid, Aunt Marie, and Aunt Muriel would be here also.

Thankfully, we were all able to sleep for a few hours that night. It was around four when I was awakened by soft little moans, then a high squealing sob.

I got up and ran over to Wesley's room. My son, my poor little son, was curled into a ball, crying. I went over and softly put my arms around him.

He squeaked a little, then whimpered, "M-Mommy…"

"I'm here, darling…" I wrapped my arms around him, so desperately wanting to shield him from the awfulness of what was happening around us, wishing he didn't have to learn about tragedy at such a young age.

"Why did Daddy die?"

"It was an accident on board his ship…" I swallowed hard, struggling to come up with an adequate explanation for this senseless horror.

"The one where he went with that John Icard captain?" Wesley asked.

"Yes, Jean Luc Picard is the captain of that ship…" I felt tears sting my eyes again as I wondered how Jean Luc was faring. How awful this whole thing must be for him and the rest of that crew.

"Did he live?" Wesley stared up at me with large, tearful green eyes, so lost-looking, desperately looking to me for reassurance of any hope in these horrible happenings that were pouring down on us now.

"Yes…he's going to bring back Daddy's…body…" A few tears ran down my face as I hugged him tightly to me.

"Why did he live and Daddy have to die?" Wesley began to cry again. "That's not fair…"

"No, it isn't…" I was weeping full force again. "It's never fair when anyone d-dies th-this…young…no one should have…oh, Wes!"

My son and I clutched each other for what seemed like a very, very long time, just weeping on and off, feeling helpless at staving off the tough times we knew we had ahead of us.

* * *

**Felisa****:**

My granddaughter is one of the most sensitive, quietest, introverted, shyest individuals I know, but she is steel-willed and iron-strong in her quiet way. The next morning, she told Wendy and me that she wanted to go identify Jack.

"Are you sure…?" I asked.

"Oh, Beverly, you don't need to…" Wendy started.

"I have to…" Beverly stated softly. "I have to see it and accept that Jack is…truly gone…" she finished this in an almost whisper, her husky voice nearly blending with the wind outside.

Wendy and I looked at each other and nodded.

"I've spoken to the captain…Jean Luc…" Beverly continued. "He's coming also…he appears calm, but I can tell he's shaken by this also…"

Dear Beverly…even in the deep grief and pain I knew she was in, she always thought of others. Such a good heart. Even at an early age, she always worried about others' well being.

"I'll watch Wesley…" I volunteered in response to Beverly's unspoken question.

"Thank…you…" she whispered, her dark blue eyes shimmering with tears. I gave her a hug when she got ready to go. She went to Wesley's room to give him a hug and reassure him that she'd be back in a few hours.

Wesley watched anxiously as his mother left to identify and retrieve Jack's body.

"I don't want her to go to the Stardaze…" My grandson whimpered, clinging to me. "I don't want her to die like Daddy and Captain Jean Luc did…"

"She won't…" I reassured him. I stroked his soft hair, his warm little body.

Those serious eyes so like his mother's with the exception of being green instead of blue. Even the same troubled frown he and his mother now both wore were the same. I can see Wesley growing up to be a lot like his mother…serious, intelligent, worrying a lot, a heart of gold.

I picked Wesley up and held him for a long time as he trembled from time to time.

* * *

**Beverly****:**

I arrived at the Starbase in a little over an hour. A rather pale Jean Luc met me at the entrance.

"Beverly…" he rasped, his bluish-gray eyes widening. Part of his face was scraped and some of it was covered with black stains.

"Oh, Jean Luc, I'm so sorry about Jack!" I hugged him. "This must be awful for you…"

"As it must be for you…" Jean Luc responded as we parted. "Are you sure you want to…?"

"Yes...it was good of you to come." I started walking into the base.

"It was the least I could do…" Jean Luc fell in step beside me, his look questioning and concerned.

"Think of him as alive…you…shouldn't have to remember him like this…" Jean Luc told me softly.

"I have to do this…" I insisted, although my stomach was tightening again. "I have to finally accept that fact that he's gone…"

Although intellectually and emotionally, I'd accepted that my beloved husband was dead and that I was now widowed with my small son, some part of me deep down inside felt as if this death was an abstract distant idea.

Once I saw my husband's body, that part of me would be forced to face the solid evidence and that Jack's death was not just some idea, but real…painfully so, but real all the way.

Our footsteps echoed through that long, long, long metal gray corridor and the air seemed to deaden around us as we approached the morgue. I felt my lips numbing again and even my fingers grew numb and a bit tingly.

The morgue door seemed to open in slow motion. In fact, everything felt as if it were moving in slow motion and the sounds of our footsteps sounded loud and echoing to my ears. Jean Luc, although he stood right beside me, even appeared far away.

The officer there looked between us, then moved toward a drawer and opened it, revealing a slab with covered body…Jack's body, I realized, beginning to shake all over.

Jean Luc gave me one last questioning look. I looked at the covered slab a long minute, then braced myself…and nodded at the officer to remove the cover.

It seemed to take hours for the cover to come down and reveal…Jack's face and body, but now it was a grayish-blue waxy imitation of it.

My breath caught in a rasping gasp as I was struck by the absolute _lifelessness_ of my husband's face. It was mostly covered with black sootlike stains, but this was Jack's body! My darling husband…gone and left with just this empty body!

I began to sob, rasping, choking sobs that shook my body. As I stood rooted there for what seemed like hours, Jack's closed eyelids slid open, a common happening with the dead, but just the sight of it and seeing Jack's now-dead green eyes flatly staring chilled me all over inside.

A sharp terror overwhelmed me so suddenly and so bitingly that it made me actually shriek in agony. My stomach contracted again in an incredible pain and I screamed again, clutching my hands close to me.

I felt hands on my shoulders and was vaguely aware of the cover being raised again over the remains of my dear husband.

I barely felt Jean Luc's arms come around me as I dissolved into wailing sobs, still punctuated by screams that chilled even me. It seemed like another few hours, although I'm sure it was just minutes, that my wailing, screaming sobs turned to keening, softer crying.

"Beverly…" Jean Luc whispered softly when my sobs began more manageable. "We're almost back to Earth…perhaps you could stay with the ship as it lands…"

I nodded, mute with terror and pain. _Thanks, that would be better_…_we have to bury Jack_…_Nana's with Wesley_, I managed to mime back.

_A/N_: Next chapter is the funeral…hope you all keep reading and reviewing!


	4. Chapter 4

**Through An Autumn**

_By_: CNJ

_PG-13_

**4**

**Beverly****:**

The morning of the funeral dawned very clear and very windy, even windier than the tragic day my husband died.

Enid had arrived with Claire the night after the Stargazer crew brought Jack's body home. We'd wept together and Claire, Enid, Wendy, and Nana had talked for a while, mostly a bit of small talk, when one doesn't know what else to say or do in the face of grave loss.

Seeing the haunting specter of Jack's body had left me barely able to speak and unable to get the horrifying image out of my mind.

"Darling…" Someone whispered as I sat at the kitchen table, trying to get some tea into my shriveled-feeling stomach. I looked up and saw my aunts Muriel and Marie peering at me.

"Bev, dear…" Aunt Marie came over and hugged me. I leaned into her arms. "God, this must be awful for you…widowed with a small boy…"

"And in Starfleet also…" Aunt Muriel added. "You'd think the place that advertises itself as safe…"

"Muriel…hush…" Marie shushed her. "She doesn't need to hear that…"

"Oh…of course," Muriel sighed and stroked my hair.

"We have to get ready…" I told them flatly. "It's an hour from now…do you know where it is?"

My aunts nodded much to my relief. I just hoped they wouldn't get confused as to where the main Starfleet base was here in upstate New York.

We'd thought about heading back to the main Headquarters in San Francisco, but Wendy had indicated that Jack had expressed a preference to be buried here. He also wanted to be cremated, so it will be his ashes buried here.

* * *

**Beverly****:**

Wesley and I stayed close to each other on the way to the funeral and once we got there, my son clung to my arm, weeping intermittently.

Thinking back now, the funeral didn't really take that long, but at the time, it felt like hours.

When Jack's urn was brought out of the shuttle, Wendy and I both burst into tears and just clung to each other, weeping for the longest time. I got a glance at the urn, but had to close my eyes and cling to my son and my mother-in-law. I felt Nana stroking our backs from time to time.

It was Jean Luc who gave the eulogy. My heart went out to him as I noticed how pale he and several of the other crew members appeared. His eyes seemed to dart anywhere but the rest of the mourners as he gave a somber eulogy as to what a wonderful friend, crewmate, and Starfleet officer he'd been.

Wendy pressed her fist over her mouth, tears gushing down her face as Jean Luc mentioned Jack as a son. I found tears streaming down my own face again as Jean Luc went on to say what a swell husband and father Jack had been.

It's so true! I thought, soft sobs ripping out of my chest. I tried catching Jean Luc's eyes, but his eyes darted away from me and back to the small stand or off in the distance.

"Mommy…" Wesley whimpered, tears on his cheeks also. "Is that man Jean Luc?"

I nodded and hugged my son close.

"I thought he died like Daddy…" Wes sobbed.

"No…he…didn't…" I stroked his hair.

"W-w-why?"

"I d-don't know, d-darling…" I managed to keen out in a ragged whisper. I picked Wesley up and held him close, our tears now silent and also now intermingling.

The wind was loud in our ears as if to add to the mournful atmosphere and we shivered and held fast to each other as if attempting to shield ourselves from further tragedy as Jean Luc completed his eulogy.

I winced, and then shuddered at each sound of dirt being sprayed over Jack's urn that was now placed into the ground. So did Wendy. Two of us mirroring our grief.

Claire's face was pale as she came and put her arms around me. "Doesn't make sense…" she muttered, tears shimmering in her own dark eyes.

"No…it doesn't…" I whispered. "And none of this is fair…"

"Did Jean Luc tell you what exactly happened?" Enid asked softly, her green eyes concerned.

"In a way…" I told her. "I wonder…if we should see how he is…" I looked around, but didn't see him anywhere. People were milling around and I saw a few of the remaining Stargazer crew, but no Jean Luc.

"Seems like he beamed off…" Enid was peering around also. I saw some of the crew members talking with Wendy and I think offering condolences, so we went over.

The remaining three members there extended their condolences to me also. As Wesley and I wiped away another wave of tears, Enid asked them how Jean Luc was holding up and if anyone had seen him. The crew members looked at each other and shook their heads.

"He left right after the urn was buried." Lieutenant Janice Herkowitz added. "Sorry…"

"It's…I can send him a message later…" I said softly. "Thank you."

I feared that my legs would collapse underneath me if I didn't get home soon, so Enid and Claire walked with Wesley and me back to our shuttle. My abdomen throbbed painfully and my stomach contracted in little bursts.

Starfleet had given me two weeks of bereavement leave. The first week, our family would be staying at home and helping each other get through these first awful days. Sitting Shiva, as Aunt Marie and Nana call it.

I barely made it home before I had to race to the bathroom. As I sat, a horrible gluish liquid came out of me.

Diarrhea, I mused ironically once I looked down. I should have known. Whenever I'm stressed or in deep emotional turmoil, my digestive system goes mad and things like diarrhea happen to me.

Once I cleaned up, I headed back down and whispered to Nana that I was going up to nap for a while.

"Sure, dear…" Nana hugged me, her green eyes damp. "Your aunts and I will take care of things down here…and we'll make sure Wesley is all right also."

"Thank you…" My stomach still churned painfully. I kissed Nana briefly and slowly headed upstairs, feeling as if I were moving in slow motion through thick clouds.

I simply plopped down on the bed without even removing my long black dress uniform. Only my shoes came off. Oh, Jack! I wailed mentally, seeing the space that would now gape at me every night from now on.

Now that the funeral was over, I had to figure out just how I was going to adjust to living as a widow at the age of thirty raising a five-year-old son alone.

Another wave of tears washed over my face at these thoughts that left me feeling as if my son and I were on a high, high mountain surrounded by thick clouds and that I needed to grope my way back down while leading my son.


	5. Chapter 5

Hiii, glad I've gotten lots of reviews in this story; thanks! Just wanted to add a couple of quick disclaimers for the next few chapters that the dish gringle dash is not my invention; it's by author Patricia Barnes-Svarney, the swell writer of the book _Loyalties_, which is one of the Starfleet Academy series by Paramount. Also, the character of "Autumn" belongs to Paramount and the Starfleet Academy authors also. Also, the paragraph where Beverly first meets Jack...that plotline to that of the house exchange is borrowed from the film _The Holiday_ also; the December house exchange plotline is not my idea either.

Here's the shiva part…enjoy!

**Through An Autumn**

_By_: CNJ

_PG-13_

**5**

**Beverly****:**

"Gringle dash…I suspect you and Wes haven't had it in a while," Felisa told me as she set down a plate, adding to the huge pile of platters of food on the kitchen table.

"I haven't…thanks, Nana…" I said softly. All of us…my family, Claire, Walker, Tryla, and a few of our neighbors were here at my place, just talking.

Since the funeral several days ago, everyone has been a great help and a wonder. Wesley and I now have enough food to last a month. I still hadn't regained much of my appetite, but it was good to see Wesley and Wendy eating again.

There was still more food in the living room, food from almost every planet…Vulcan lime pudding, Sluas, which is a Scottish fruit that is small, round and metallic silver and sweet in a tart way, and a Betazoid chilop pie among many dishes.

By the time it began to grow dark, almost all of our neighbors had gone home after hugging Wendy, Wesley, and me many condolences.

Enid had started a fire in the fireplace and we sat around it, except one lady who was getting ready to leave…I think she was Todd Harriman's grandmother or great-aunt.

She gave me one last hug, and then patted Wesley's shoulder. "Are you going to be a good boy…take care of your mother now that your daddy's gone?" she crooned.

I stifled a gasp as I saw Wesley's eyes widen in fear and knew I had to step in. Of course, my five-year old son was not old enough to "take care of" me!

"No…I'll be taking care of my young son," I said quietly. "Wesley's only five." I put a reassuring arm around my son.

"Oh…of course…" Ms. Harriman shrugged, bid us goodnight, and left. I hugged my son, tears gathering in my eyes.

"Daddy's gone, but I'll be here to take care of you, darling…" I whispered to my son. "You'll continue to grow up…I'll be here for you, love."

Wesley seemed to go limp with relief in my arms. We then sat on a long couch next to Enid and Claire.

"Tea?" my sister handed me a cup of herbal tea. Lemon.

"Thanks…" I nodded. Enid held me for a long minute.

"Daddy held you like that when you were sick once…" Wesley told me.

"That's right…" I said softly. "You were about two and I had been really sick for a week…Jack held me on his lap for a while and stroked my back…he was always good in that way…"

"He never was one to be squeamish about much…" Nana added. "When Beverly first introduced Jack in our family…it was Hanukkah…Bev was nervous about Jack meeting all of us, more so than Jack himself…I think it was around the third night.

"We were at the apartment Bev was living in then since she was hosting…Jack knocked and Bev opened it and introduced Jack. Enid and I had already met him when they first met, but Marie hadn't and neither had Muriel or the others."

"Yes…" I nodded, managing a weak smile for the first time in over a week. "I think I lit the last candle by accident and people laughed a little…" I saw several of the others smile, including Wendy.

"I think you won the dreidel tournament that night," Aunt Marie told me.

"Hadn't each of you just broken up with these little fast lovers before?" Aunt Muriel put in. "That one really broke your heart and you couldn't stop crying…"

"Yeah…a one-week affair, then I discovered he was married and cheating on his wife with three others…I went home sobbing, nearly drowned myself in tea…" I finished my cup of tea. "It was about two weeks before Hanukkah and Christmas…that's when Jack and I did the house exchange…I came to Earth and Jack went to Delos where I was living at the time."

"And you actually didn't know each other directly yet," Enid added. "I headed over to your place and come face-to-face with Jack and we startled each other…turned out that Jack had also broken up with somebody back on Earth…had that one last huge fight, then Jack put in for the house exchange…"

"I just couldn't wait to get away…" I put in. "I still had tears running down my face when I put in for somewhere on Earth…even the snow outside couldn't cheer me up that night…then I found out the place was in New York City."

"Hey, neat…" Wesley climbed into my lap. "So did Daddy and you meet then over the communications thing?"

"Not just then," I told him. "We were using a text-only site…we only met when I came back to Delos…by then Jack and Walker had met and Enid had met both of them…Enid then told me that it was a guy that had exchanged with me and told me he was nice. Since she and Walker trusted him, I did also. I came home right at the Winter Solstice.

Enid and I planned a little party and it was there that Walker finally introduced Jack to me."

"I'll never forget that," Walker grinned. "Jack laughed and said, _So this is my home exchange pal_ and Beverly blushed and stuttered out a _Hello, Jack, pleased to meet you_."

"I wondered how in Blue Planets of Starfleet Walker knew about the home exchange and how he knew Jack…I was really startled…I saw how outgoing and bubbly Jack was, but also realized how warm Jack was…some intuitive feeling told me that Jack was different…especially different from the previous one who broke my heart…" I wiped tears from my eyes. How I'll miss that warmth Jack brought into our lives.

"Took you two years to finally get married…" Muriel smiled. "You've always been so bashful, Beverly…when you were a child, your face would get so red whenever Felisa or I would introduce you to anyone new."

"I still blush…" I murmured, feeling my cheeks flush red even now thinking back on my days as an awkward, quiet child. "I'll never forget how I tripped and fell flat on my face coming down the aisle at my own wedding…and at the front of the hall we married in, I couldn't get my teeth to stop rattling or my hands to stop shaking…Jack was great. He made sure I was all right and rubbed my hands while we said our vows and the judge married us…Jack broke the glass in the first try after our vows."

"It was a beautiful wedding," Felisa put in. "No wedding's ever perfect…you recovered beautifully."

"You and Jack had a great time in that honeymoon to Fimara," Claire recalled, referring to our wonderful trip to that lovely water planet. There, humans and other air-breathing life forms rent underwater gear and have water-breathing devices implanted. The water itself is in either waterfalls or large oceans and is in various shades of blue, aqua, turquoise, and even a little purple in it.

"Jack had always gone out with outgoing, talkative social butterflies before he met you, Beverly," Wendy took a sip of tea and leaned closer to the fireplace. "The first time he brought you over, Hugh and I instantly knew you were different…you were quieter…I could tell you were a deep thinker…I told Jack, _hang on to this one_ when you two first started dating."

"I'm glad you two found each other," Tryla took a few Sluas and popped them into her mouth. She reached out and held my hand. "We're all going to miss Jack…"

"Daddy taught me about branches in a fire," Wesley put in. "Remember, Mommy, when we went on that camping trip?"

"Yes, I do…" I stroked his hair. "He told you how the heat breaks the bark down…"

"I don't remember a lot about the trip except what Daddy told me and seeing all the stars up in the sky," Wesley added.

I recalled more…I'd sung Wesley to sleep that night and Jack and I had lain close by the fire and whispered things back and forth late into the night. Jack had been such a wonderful father. Silent tears ran down my face as I got more tea and sat again. Wendy stroked my arm.

"I never thought that last dinner we had in September before Jack left would be the last…" Claire said quietly.

"Neither did I…" Suddenly I felt another wash of tears on my face and the fire faded into a bright blur in the dim living room.

Claire handed me tissues.

"Are you really sad, Mommy?" Wes asked me timidly. I nodded and pulled him close.

"It's normal to be sad when somebody you love dies," Claire reassured my son, who was now trembling slightly, his own eyes full of tears. She leaned over and wrapped her arms around me and my son and let us cry for a long minute.

"That last time two months ago…" Enid whispered. "The night before Jack and Jean Luc left…has anyone heard from Jean Luc?" she asked the room.

"He mentioned that he had to get back to the Stargazer at the service," Walker told us.

"I sent him a sympathy message and told him I hoped he and his crew were all right," I put in, wiping my face and sitting up again. "I guess Jean Luc will get in touch with us again when he's ready."

"It seemed as if the whole crew just beamed up and left after the service," Tryla shrugged. "I sent my condolences also, but haven't heard from Jean Luc or any of the other crewmembers."

"I guess they still need time to work this all out," I said softly, gazing back into the fire. "This tragedy happened right under their noses…that had to have been a terrible blow to all of them."

Seeing all that food reminded several of us of Thanksgiving, which was next week. I knew it was going to be a somber holiday with Jack gone. It was Muriel who offered up her place and that we come over there if we wanted. Enid, Nana, Marie, Wendy, and I took her up on it.

I gave Muriel a grateful hug since neither Wesley or I were ready to face our home for the holidays without Jack there to celebrate with us. I sure didn't really feel like celebrating anything now, but felt that Wesley and I should still be with family anyway.

_A/N_: More later! The upcoming bittersweet holidays and also Wesley develops new fears that he and Bev have to deal with and Beverly herself finds many of her old fears resurfacing. Hope you all keep enjoying this story and again, thanks for all your kind reviews!


	6. Chapter 6

Finally, got a chance to update…there's a very scary nightmare scene here, so be warned…enjoy!

**Through An Autumn**

_By_: CNJ

_PG-13_

**6**

**Beverly****:**

_I was back wandering through the corridor of the starbase where I'd identified Jack's body…but I was lost and frightened_.

"_Jack…" I whispered fearfully_._ "Claire…? Enid…?"_

_I had a bad feeling as I wandered. "Jean Luc…?" No response or appearance of another soul in sight or hearing_._ I felt myself begin to shake as a nervous sweat congealed on the back of my neck and face_.

_I found a door and walked in, compelled, yet still afraid…and found myself falling into a chilly field_. _I stood up and saw a barbed wire fence that was common in the twentieth century_..._and in the distance saw a huge chamber with an ovenlike door on one side_.

_Sweat formed a sheen under my bangs as I began to feel nauseous and slightly dizzy_.

_The distant door and saw that it was an actual oven because I saw a flame under it…then that door opened and I screamed because I thought I saw an arm…the sight terrified me so much that I kept screaming in terror_…

Until I woke up and found myself panting on my bed. Only the wind outside broke the silence of the room. Unable to speak, I fumbled for and pressed the manual button to turn the side lamp on and was relieved to be in the here and now…I was at my Aunt Marie's for a holiday.

What day was it? I wondered, trying to shake the terror of the dream off me. And why was I at Aunt Marie's…oh…right, Thanksgiving was coming. In fact, it was later on today.

Looking at the chrometer, I saw that it was two-twelve in the morning. I tried to stop shivering and to try to relax, but it wasn't easy. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep again for a while, so I pulled out a book from my overnight bag and read for a while, hoping to relax.

Oh, how it still hurt that Jack wasn't going to be here for this holiday season. I read for a while, but my hands kept shaking and once in a while, tears would come to my eyes and I'd have to wipe them away.

All this week, Enid, who is a barrister, had been a great help to me in sorting out Jack's financial and property affairs and helping me notify various agencies about his untimely death.

Jack and I had co-owned the house, but now it was secured in my name. It was a very good thing Jack and I had talked things like this over before we married in the event of something as awful as…this…happening because now the technical and legal items were not in a huge unorganized mess…one less thing for me to worry about.

"Mommy…" Wesley's small voice whimpered. I looked up to see my son, pale and trembling in the doorway.

"Hi, darling…come on in," I whispered. He did and crawled into my lap and clung to me, a bundle of nerves. "What's the matter, sweetie?"

"I'm scared of the dark…" he whispered. "The dark's all scary since Daddy died."

"It does feel scary…sometimes, I wake up and feel scared also," I told him. How well I remember being afraid of the dark for a long, long time as a child and even almost into my teens. I dearly hoped he'd always feel safe in my arms. "I had a bad dream a little while ago…have you had any bad dreams?"

He shook his head. "But I see all these scary little pictures in my head…Daddy dead…ships blowing up…" he sniffled as he wiped his eyes.

"Me too…" I held him close. "And it is very scary…but you and I are going to get through this...we're still a family and we'll always love each other and we'll always remember Daddy...can you always remember that?"

Wes nodded again, peering up at me for reassurance. I kissed his small cheek and wrapped my arms around him, hoping that it was enough protection for my small sweet son until he grew up.

* * *

**Marie****:**

I'd replicated loads of food for my relatives. It was so good having them here. Beverly and I were the first ones up that morning. Beverly is an early riser by nature, always has been since she was a little girl.

"Need any…?" Beverly whispered from the kitchen door. Such a thoughtful woman, even from the time she was a tiny child.

"I'm all right…" I told her softly. "Care for a cup of tea, dear?"

Beverly nodded and sat down at the kitchen table with me. I had the feeling that her appetite was still not very good, so I wasn't expecting her to eat much today.

Poor soul, just losing her husband at age thirty, leaving her to raise her small son alone. I could see faint shadows around her eyes and her straight red hair hung in strings around her face.

"How've you been holding up, liebchen?" I asked my great-niece softly.

Beverly shrugged, sipping her tea in short gulps. Poor dear. I leaned my own cup on my gray beard and sipped heartily, savoring the sweet lemony taste. Felisa and I often spent many summers planting various teas, then grounding them up in the early autumn and making it all into drinkable tea.

"I had a nightmare last night…" Beverly said softly, her eyes downcast. "Woke up scared and unable to speak…then my son came in scared also…oh, Marie, I'm sinking back into my old fears again…what if I pass them on to my son?"

"I'm sure you won't…" I stroked her back. What a fearful girl she'd been as a child…her mother didn't know how to deal with those fears, but Felisa did.

Beverly has a sensitive nervous system, so she is perceptive to her environment and feels more strongly about things than the average person.

"I'm reminded of the time I went mute for seven weeks when I was nine…" Beverly went on. "Remember…it was when Uncle Irving was stabbed and I witnessed the whole thing…I ran over to your place, crying in hysterics..."

"Sure, I remember…" I nodded. "But you kept functioning well despite being mute…you went back to school...even learned sign language…kept up your high marks and finished level four of primary school."

"The weird thing was, is that Nana, Enid, and everyone started to get used to me being mute…me using notes and sign language to communicate…I was getting used to it…but when I saw Aunt Paula crying, something broke inside…I started to cry also and found myself talking again."

"And dear, you were wonderful in comforting Paula…" I put in. "She was touched..."

"And now I'm widowed like Paula…" Beverly whispered, her eyes shimmering with tears now.

"You'll get through it…you, Wesley and Wendy…" I told her. "It's one day at a time, but you'll pull through."

* * *

**Beverly****:**

I did take the days one at a time, especially this first Thanksgiving without Jack. Neither Wendy or I ate much at all at dinner. The others talked, but a bit more quietly. Wendy and I both often exchanged quiet looks, often with tears in our eyes.

"Jack loved the Scottish Yams," Wendy said at one point.

"Is Daddy's soul in a pool of light now?" Wesley asked.

None of us really knew how to answer that one.

"Possibly…" Enid said softly.

"We really don't know what happens to someone's soul when they die," Felisa put in. I shuddered a bit, remembering all too well Jack's dead empty body in the morgue…it really didn't seem possible that his soul could still be alive somewhere after a devastating accident like this.

"I think one just…fades…" I whispered, feeling tears in my eyes. "I wish I knew, Wes…"

Wesley started to cry softly, so I pulled him close and let him sit on my lap for the rest of the meal. I couldn't eat any more, so I let Aunt Muriel finish my potatoes and passed the rest of my turkey wings on to Enid.

The rest of that day was rather surreal, yet hazy in my mind…all of us quietly cleaned up and put everything in the recycler. I think we spent most of the evening by the fire, talking quietly and not doing much else. I also think Nana, Marie, Muriel, and Enid played some kind of Scottish rookie game.

**

* * *

**

**Beverly****:**

Returning to work that Monday was a poignant affair…Wes also returned to school. Wendy also returned to work also; we'd wished each other good luck that morning.

I moved slowly through the day, feeling as if I'd been away for years, yet I went through all the doctors' procedures methodically. Most of my co-workers were sympathetic, which touched me.

I still had a hard time eating, so at lunch, I sipped tea and just read, worrying about how Wes was faring in school. I shivered slightly, looking around the nearly empty lounge, which all of a sudden seemed eerie.

"Hi…" someone's voice startled me and I jumped almost a meter. "Sorry…" Nurse Brandi Elitz apologized.

"It's all right…" I reassured her. "I've been jumpy since…" I couldn't say any more. Brandi sat beside me and we watched the couple of others in silence.

"You're still young, Doctor Crusher…" Brandi told me. "You still have plenty of time to find another…"

"Yeah, I'm young all right," I gritted my teeth a bit. "Just many more years of missing Jack…what makes you think I want to find another mate?"

"I just thought…" Brandi's face went a bit pink. "Your son and all…"

"No one will ever, ever replace Jack…" Tears welled in my eyes and spilled down my face before I could stop them. "Never…excuse me…I have to go…" I jumped up, headed to the bathroom and sobbed for a few minutes.

It took a few minutes, but my tears slowed and I headed back to work. I worked until around three, and then went to pick Wesley up from school. I'd be on an abbreviated schedule for the next month or so, so I could be there for Wes and help him get back into school…and help him grieve the loss of his father.

The cloudy, windy day surrounded us, shrouding the street with an almost magical fog. Wes and I said little, but Wes leaned his head in my lap as I navigated the shuttle home. I asked how Wes' day went and he softly told me it went all right. I didn't press for too many details because I knew his day had not been easy either.

The wind seemed to grow louder as we entered our now-empty house. It was odd that the house appeared familiar, yet alien. It felt almost haunted…the wind outside reminded me of the ghosts I'd so feared as a little girl.

"Feel like a snack?" I asked gently. Wes nodded, so we went into the kitchen and nibbled on a few cookies.

As the smoky day faded into night, I got ready to replicate something for dinner. I went upstairs and saw that my son's room was empty.

"Wes…?" I called. No response but the outside wind. My heart beat faster and louder. I looked around the bedroom and even the closet in case Wes had curled up with a book and fallen asleep in there. No sign of my son.

"Wesley…" I felt the nervous, thin ragged tone creep into my voice and fought it. I checked the den, the multi-game room and even my own bedroom.

"Wesley, please…" I tried not to wail. Tears welled in my eyes as I turned on the lights in almost every room. "Please…don't be so afraid…Mommy's here…Mommy'll protect you…"

The attic…I headed up there, trembling all over. The attic is really not my favorite place. It's too shadowy and haunted-looking. But I had to go up there and fight the raw fear that had now lodged in my stomach.

"Wesley, are you up here? Please, please, please, don't be afraid to come out…no one is going to hurt you…I promise…Mommy's here…just Mommy and she loves you." No luck.

"Ohhhh, God, please…" Tears spilled down over my face. I stumbled over a box and struggled to right myself. Wiping my eyes clumsily, I headed back down.

It was at the foot of the stairs when I got the idea to play Wes's favorite digital music tone on the multi-padd. I headed into his room and turned it on, still wiping the tears from my face.

It was in Jack's and my…my bedroom that I heard someone squirm, seemingly from the closet wall.

"Wes!" I gave a shuddering gasp of relief when my son slid down from a high shelf and tumbled to the floor. I hugged my son tightly, seeing that he had tears in his eyes also. "Oh, Wes, what a scare…I'm glad you're all right…" I held him for a long, long time.

"I'm sorry, Mommy" Wesley whimpered. "I thought there were ghosts and those Napsees in my closet. The shadows are so scary in my room and I had to hide…Daddy always chased the ghosts and Napsees away…"

"Oh, darling, I'm so sorry you were so scared you wanted to hide…I'm here for you, love…" Both of us kept shivering in relief for a while before slowly parting. Wesley means _Nazis_ for _Napsees_, the evil band of men who long, long ago created the twentieth-century Holocaust by killing Jews and other groups.

"Who's going to chase the ghosts and Napsees away now that Daddy's dead?" Wes asked.

"I will," I said in determination.

"Aren't you afraid of them too?" My son asked.

"I am, but I can still get rid of them," I reassured Wesley. "And there are no more Nazis…remember how I told you that they all died by the late twenty-first century?"

My son thought a minute and then slowly nodded.

"Feel like eating?" I whispered. My son nodded again and together we headed down to the kitchen to eat. It would feel very odd without Jack there and to know that we will never have him with us again, but together Wesley and I would find a way to re-build our family again…one small step at a time. Tonight we'd be eating as a family…and for many more nights.

More later!


	7. Chapter 7

Finally! Got the next chappie here! Hope you all enjoy!

**Through An Autumn**

_By_: CNJ

_PG-13_

**7**

**Beverly****:**

The next week went slowly. I wouldn't call the week really eventful, but it marked the first snows of winter and an initial flurry of getting some affairs in order, mainly Jack's.

I spent part of Thursday putting the house under my name and also our currency accounts. It was a tedious, painful business, but had to get done.

After that week, things went into a pall and within the following week, Wesley and I were headed downhill.

My son became fearful of many things, more things than imaginary Nazis. He became afraid to sleep alone and several times, I wound up falling asleep in his bedroom by his bed.

Up until Jack's death, I generally slept mostly peacefully, but now my sleep was fragmented and I had a couple of more nightmares.

In one, I was on a ship and Jack was in another part of the ship. I don't know if the ship was the Stargazer or another ship, but the ship was rather small. I was on the bridge for some reason and had a hypo spray and was checking other crewmembers, none of them whom I knew.

I suddenly heard an explosion and heard Jean Luc's voice calling onto the bridge and telling me that Jack was dead. I dropped the hypo spray and ran down a long hall.

The hall became dark and narrow, and then I tripped over something and fell flat on my face. Struggling to sit up, I saw that it was a body. A sort of light was coming from somewhere, I didn't know where. When I turned upright again, I saw the body's head turn to look at me and to my horror, I realized that it was Jack.

"Jack…" I whispered, tears coming to my eyes. He didn't respond and felt cold and I knew he was dead. I screamed, terror overwhelming me…

I found myself in the chair beside Wesley's bed, breathing hard with tears running down my face.

"Oh, Jack…!" I wailed softly. I buried my face in my hands and wept softly for a long minute.

"Mommy…" I heard Wesley stir softly. "Mommy, are you crying?" he sat up.

I struggled to slow my tears and took a few shuddery breaths. "Yes, d-darling, I am…I'm just missing Daddy…I'm so sorry I woke you…"

"You didn't…" Wesley leaned over and gave me a little hug. "Did you have another bad dream too?"

I nodded. "I'll be all right, sweetie. Thank you." How sweet my dear son is. I'm lucky to have him as a son.

I was afraid that my tears and nightmare would frighten my son more and add to his fears, but he appeared to be drifting back to sleep. I lay awake for a while longer, shaken by the nightmare, unable to go back to sleep for a couple of hours.

We had several nights like this. Another depressing part of our lives after Jack was gone was that not only was Wesley developing more fears, my own fears resurfaced and I found myself feeling frightened and anxious.

Our fears seemed to be feeding off each other. I'd always been afraid of heights, but now when I walked toward work, I found myself avoiding the main street with several tall buildings, fearful of one of them crashing down on me.

In the evenings when I came home, my son and I would turn on most of the lights in our house as if to chase away frightening darkness. I'd been afraid of the dark until I was in my teens and now to my chagrin, I found myself once again afraid to go to sleep in a dark room and usually leaving a lamp on while I slept.

I knew my son was also afraid of the dark, something he hadn't been before and that made me feel perhaps worse. I wondered if I was inadvertently passing my fearfulness onto my son or whether this was stemming from Jack's death.

I was also jumpy whenever something moved suddenly especially at home. Once I remember gasping and jumping back when a small spider ran across the hall floor. Spiders and other bugs are not one of my many fears, thank goodness. But it was the sudden way the spider ran across the floor that frightened me and left my hands shaking.

Another thing that chilled me now that hadn't frightened me since I was a child was seeing shadows of bare branches moving on the walls.

As a child, shadows of blowing trees often scared me because I used to something think they were ghosts haunting the house. Nana would often hold me, then lead me over and have me touch the wall and reassure me that there was nothing to be afraid of.

Now it was my turn to try to ease my son's fears while battling my own and I was afraid I was drowning in the process. When I found Wes asleep on the floor one snowy Sunday morning, I gently woke him, at first wondering if he'd fallen out of bed.

"No…" he told me, sitting up. "The bed is just too scary."

"Oh?" I asked, my heart beating a bit faster. "How is it scary? Did something happen with it?" I looked over at his little maple bed. Wes had the dark metallic blue blanket on the floor with him and had wrapped it around himself.

"I'm scared it's gonna have a gatelle under it…" Wes' eyes shimmered with tears as he looked nervously at the bed.

"It's all right, darling…" I hugged him a minute. "What does a gatelle look like? Is it scary?" I asked, figuring that maybe it was some kind of imaginary goblin Wes had read about or imagined.

"It's that big thing on the Stardaze that killed Daddy…"

"Oh…" Now I understood what my son was saying; he'd been trying to say _nacelle_. "Darling, I can show you that there are no nacelles under the bed or even around it…come on, let's take a look."

"Mom…" my son whimpered. "What if it blows up and kills you too?"

"There won't be one…do you trust me?" My son nodded. "You can hold onto me while I check and show you." I lifted the mattress and with my son holding onto my arm, I ducked under the bed. "See…just a few little boxes here and a couple of socks…no nacelles here."

"Feel better about the bed?" I asked once we'd ducked back out from under there. My son nodded, regarding me solemnly with still slightly frightened eyes.

"I think because we've had something bad happen in our family, it's made us both more scared of more things…and it'll all right to be scared." I felt my throat tighten and wondered if I'd ever be able talk about Jack without tears or pain.

"I wish Daddy hadn't gone on the Stardaze," Wes leaned on me.

"So do I sometimes," I told him softly, holding him close.

Perhaps the hardest thing of all on top of our fears and grief was that the winter holidays were coming up and knowing that Jack was not going to be there for the lighting of the menorah.

I knew this would also be painful for Wendy also, so as Hanukkah and the Winter Solstice approached, Wendy and I kept in close touch.

All of us in our family were headed to Aunt Muriel's on Luna. With some surprise, I realized I was looking forward to going to Aunt Muriel's and I could see that Wendy and Wesley were also. I think neither Wendy nor I wanted to be at home this year.

* * *

While all of us knew it wouldn't be a really happy winter holiday, we did decide that this would be a peaceful, pleasant holiday if nothing else. The morning Wesley and I were to leave for Aunt Muriel's, Enid and Wendy came over since we had plans to ride on over to Luna together.

"We're seeing Aunt Muriel this Hanukkah," Wendy told Wes as we got into the shuttle and I started it to ride off. Wesley seemed to be studying the rest of us, undecided if we'd be happy or sad or whatever one was supposed to feel when approaching the first Hanukkah after losing a loved one as dear as Jack.

At first we were quiet, but as we boarded a commercial ship and headed into space for Luna, Enid pulled out a silver and purple dreidel.

"You remembered…great," Wendy smiled the first smile I'd seen from her since Jack died.

"Let's play," Wes piped up, managing the first smile in a while also. So we played, using little pretzel pieces as the treat for the players who won.

We went through several rounds, all of us trying to regain a sense of normalcy in our lives. By the time we reached the Milky Way galaxy, we were more relaxed and playing the dreidel like any regular family this holiday season.

I myself could feel the muscles in my neck, face, back, stomach, and shoulders go limp for the first time in a long time. I hadn't realized how achy and tight they'd been since Jack died. I also felt my stomach unfurl.

By the time we landed on Luna, I actually had an appetite for the first time in a long, long time.

"I can't wait for Muriel's potato pancakes," Enid told us as we walked toward Aunt Muriel's tall, old house. I nodded. Aunt Muriel knows how to make the pancakes crisp, yet juicy at the same time…not easy to do, but she always does it.

Luna is mostly modeled after New York City on Earth since the original founders of the first ten or so lunar colonies were from New York City itself.

Now with the holidays here, the whole moon was decorated in the winter holiday mood. We strolled through Muriel's neighborhood, taking in all the decorated trees, menorahs, multicolored lights, pine boughs and all kinds of store displays.

Muriel must have seen us from her window because once we arrived at her place, she came barreling out to give us huge hugs.

"Haaaaaaappy Haaaanukaaaaaaaaaah!" she boomed, kissing each of us, then leading us into her house, which was a patchwork of brick, Vulcan wood siding, and Gulag birch. The roof is topped with tree branches that change with the seasons.

In her warm house, we were able to mellow out completely. Her house has a warm, quaint quality to it, a sort of other universe, other-time to it. Preserved chickens hang from her kitchen walls, which also has preserved, frozen vegetables dotting them. Her living room has a high-domed two story ceiling to it. There's also a fireplace in almost every room.

At her house, with the holidays here, all of us were able to lapse into another world, another time and place. I even felt a slight lift in the misery that had sat on my shoulders since Jack died.

We had Muriel's potato pancakes, played dreidel long into the nights, ate a lot of food, sang Hanukkah songs, ice skated, and walked about the town for the next few days.

Even when Muriel turned down the lights in the house to light the first candle on her menorah, the dark here didn't seem as threatening.

Wesley, Wendy, and I still felt the gap without Jack, but somehow Muriel and the others being here and being at Muriel's made the pain easier to bear.

Claire and her daughter came by a few nights into Hanukkah and we walked around outside, where there was artificial snow and did a lot of catching up. We'd kept in touch and Claire had been wonderful in seeing how Wesley and I were.

Here we could lose track of time for a while, especially since Enid, Wendy, and I were on shore leaves. The wintry days seemed to blend into one another.

It was about a few days after Christmas day and the next to last day of Hanukkah when we all sat down again by the fireplace. Muriel had an idea that we head for the nearby mountain to ski, an old Earth activity. We all liked the idea, so the next day, we went.

The mountain was high and we used a shuttle to go up way to the top. Enid and I had sometimes skied when we were growing up on Arvada and Caldos. Wesley knew how to ski some; Jack and I had taken him one holiday season when we went to upstate New York back on Earth.

It was about the third or so round down the slopes when I heard someone call my name, someone who wasn't in our family. I was on a cabin porch brushing snow off my boots when I heard, "Dr. Crusherrr…"

I turned to see Lieutenant Herkowitz approaching me. "Oh…hello," I told her. From the Stargazer, I remembered.

"Hi, how've you been holding up?" she asked softly.

"Some days have been better…but I'm here with my aunt for the holidays," I shrugged. I could tell her about these horrible fears I've been plagued with, but wasn't ready to spill them out just yet, especially since I really didn't know her well.

"Your circles under your eyes are fading," Janice told me.

"How are the others on the Stargazer holding up…is Jean Luc…?" I let the question trail, not knowing what else to say.

"I'm no longer on it," Janice brushed her bangs out. "Lots of the crew left after Jack died and when we discovered Lieutenant Joseph's little lie about Jack's death."

"Wh-what lie?" I asked, my voice trembling.

"Oh…you didn't hear what Joseph did?" Janice seemed surprised. "After the inquiry, Jean Luc discovered that Lieutenant Joseph really wasn't unconscious, but had feigned it…"

"Oh, God…" Tears welled in my eyes. Lieutenant Joseph had feigned being unconscious so Jean Luc would save him first…Joseph had let my husband die?

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Crusher, I thought you'd heard."

"N-no…no one from the Stargazer…I haven't heard from anyone else, not even Jean Luc…is he all right?"

"Last I heard, he'd gone back out into the stars again," Janice confirmed. "He was able to expose Lieutenant Joseph at the inquiry and hearing, but after that, he just wanted to vanish back out into space again."

"God…" I whispered. I had to sit for a long minute, my stomach churning again. Janice tentatively touched my arm.

"I'm sorry if this upset you, Dr. Crusher…"

"No…it's…I've already been upset, so this doesn't really change much…except that that Joseph put your crew in a bad spot…and just let Jack die."

* * *

I sat for a long time after Lieutenant Herkowitz left, feeling a mix of sadness, pity, and anger. What kind of a weakling and coward was Joseph? I struggled to find some motive as to why Lieutenant Joseph would fake being injured and let Jack die. Had he been secretly jealous of Jack? Had he wanted to curry favor with Jean Luc?

"Damn…" I muttered through gritted teeth, standing up and heading toward the next shuttle. As I sat in it, fresh tears ran down my face. The older lady next to me handed me a tissue and I whispered a thanks to her and just quietly cried for a minute.

"Bev…are you all right?" Nana asked once I got off and she met me. I shrugged, not knowing what to say. Nana hugged me close and I cried into her shoulder for a long minute. "I know it's hard without Jack…"

My appetite was poor again that night and I think Enid and Muriel could see I was unsettled again. I went to bed early that night. Wendy came in a few minutes later.

"Beverly…darling, did something happen again today…perhaps with Wes?" she whispered, sitting on the bed.

"Yes, and no…" I told her. "Nothing happened with Wes…it was the Stargazer…" I stopped, not sure if she wanted to hear this about her son's death.

"Did they find anything new on the accident?" Wendy seemed to tense. "Perhaps anything any of the other officers saw?"

I realized that Wendy had a right to know the true circumstances, so I told her what Janice had told me.

"Damn…" Wendy muttered, her green eyes glimmering with tears. "I sensed that there was something more…what a coward Lieutenant Joseph is…I wish Starfleet had thrown him out."

"Why would he just let Jack die…" I whispered, tears running down my face again. "Do you think he was jealous…?"

"I wish I knew…truth is, once in a while, Starfleet errs with letting some people in and they erred with this Lieutenant Joseph."

I wondered about this and lots of other things for a long time after Wendy left. I still left the lamp on and squirmed and tossed for several hours, brooding over Joseph's treachery, worrying about the rest of the crew and also worrying again about my son.

Do I tell Wes what really happened as he gets older…or just leave it as was? If only I had a clear picture, but I didn't, I just felt as if I were looking down a high mountain through fog.

I think this is a slight cliffy, but I still want to work out if Bev will really have that much anger at Lieutenant Joseph, or mostly pity or a mix of both. I was seeking for a way to mention Bev making plans to see a counselor, but haven't gotten to that opening yet, so I hope I can do so in the next chapter. Hope I can add more soon!


End file.
